We zoom in on a really ritzy house, one of those mammoth things that most of us can’t afford to visit, never mind purchase. We get a very quick tour of the house (somebody is really invested in decorating with vintage carnival props), then we find Pink and some guy in a bedroom, tussling over golf clubs and looking generally unhappy. Pink is sporting a very chaste hairdo and subdued clothing, so you know she’s not in her right mind. But at least she manages to show some cleavage during the altercation, so all is not lost.
After a bit, the guy gets a better grip on the golf bag and he celebrates this accomplishment by racing out of the room, even though Pink is clearly singing to him that he shouldn’t go and all. She runs out after him, because what’s the point of singing if nobody can hear you? He nears the top of a staircase, where someone has conveniently left a mess of clear and black glass marbles. (Looks like somebody’s been to Pier 1! In 1987.)
Of course the guy loses his balance and goes ass over elbows down the stairs. While he’s writhing in pain at the bottom of the steps, Pink gets an odd expression on her face. It’s not certain if she’s wondering how badly he’s hurt, trying to figure out if she’s enjoying seeing him in pain, or just remembered an appointment with her gynecologist. Eventually she tromps down the stairs to check on him, but she takes her time, pausing every third or so step to sing more of the song in gauzy close-up. If the poor guy is in need of immediate medical attention, he’s clearly toast, especially if Pink decides to do an encore performance.
Next scene has Pink dolled up in some hooker circus outfit, with a cute little hat and all, just as she’s appropriately singing the line “how did I become so obnoxious?” The golf guy is in a hospital bed in the same house (meaning he managed to survive and she can afford in-home healthcare), and she’s stitching a gash in his arm using needle and thread. (That sewing project in junior-high Home Economics finally paid off. Whew.)
Then Pink snatches up one of the golf clubs and does a naughty little dance with it (um, you can keep that club when you’re all done riding it, thanks). Suddenly, she hauls off and whacks golf guy’s injured leg with the club, and we learn two things: Pink has issues, and we’re apparently doing movie tributes. Yay! (This one is “Misery”, for those keeping score.) Needless to say, Golf Guy is not really appreciative of this development and would strongly prefer different living accommodations.
Now Pink is in the kitchen, vindictively hacking away at a head of cabbage or some such, using a big-ass knife. (She must hate vegetables and/or roughage.) Golf guy tries to sneak out of the house, but Pink hears him and catches up to him at the front door. Yet instead of actually stopping his escape, which she could easily do because her own legs are working just fine, she pauses to belt out a few lines of the chorus and fondle a colander. Golf opens the door, and he is immediately attacked by the dog from “Cujo”. (And it appears that Cujo has a lot of aggression to work out, probably due to his agent not getting him another decent acting gig in the last thirty years.)
Next scene has Pink in another hooker circus outfit and cute hat, but this time she and Arnold Palmer have kabuki makeup on, making them look dead or just really hung over. He’s strapped into a wheelchair, and she’s touching up his lipstick. He’s not being cooperative, squirming about, and this annoys her to the point that she hits him in the chest right during the “perfect little punching bag” line. (Moral message: If Pink wants to dress you up in her love, you need to keep your ass still.)
The camera pulls back to let us know that the unhappy couple is on some stage thing (this is a really big house), and the seats in the audience are filled with those creepy porcelain dolls that are always a sign of the devil or at least mental instability. I’m guessing this is a nod to “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?” Pink shoves his wheelchair off the stage (you know, like Diana Ross did to Mary Wilson during that Motown anniversary special) and he crashes into the devil dolls.
Pink then jumps on top of him, all smoochy and loving. I’m assuming they proceed to have Cabbage Patch sex because she wakes up naked after a montage of the unblinking wicked dolls gazing upon their presumed carnality. She’s initially smiling in a post-coital way, but then she realizes that her golfing buddy is not in the room with her, only the miniature demon people with the unnaturally curly hair. She then catches a glimpse of Golf stupidly trying to flee again.
Well, that just irks Pink to no end, so she puts on another cute outfit and then grabs an axe and goes in pursuit. We then have a somewhat extended bit of running from room to room, with Golf continually looking behind him to see how close Pissed-Off Pink might be. (Fool! Everyone knows that looking behind you slows you down. Eyes forward and run for Jesus!) Golf eventually scampers into a bathroom (a rather lame choice, but we’ve already learned that Golf’s wattage rating is rather low), slamming the door in the face of the Axe Wench.
So of course they have to act out “The Shining”, with Pink whacking at the door with her deadly implement. (And it’s a rather cheap-looking door at that, which is kind of surprising considering the budget for this house. She has an auditorium but she can’t have solid-wood doors on the lavatory?) Still, Pink finally gets around to accomplishing her mission of creating a Jack Nicholson hole in the door and she shoves her face through it. (Golf makes sure to fumble around for an improvised weapon, long enough that she has time to finish singing another round of the chorus.)
Then Golf manages to find a squirt-bottle cleaning product (a rather symbolic gesture, since we could use some cleaning around here right about now), and he spritzes Pink’s face with whatever is inside the bottle. Apparently the product is not eye-friendly, because Pink jerks her head away from Jack Nicholson’s hole. (She’s probably not the first person to do that, if I had to venture a guess.)
Pink stumbles backwards and, wouldn’t you know it, we have another pile of those damn glass marbles just sitting there on the floor. Perhaps Pink really needs to review the effectiveness of her cleaning staff, but she doesn’t have time for that right at the moment. Instead, she’s busy losing her balance and tumbling over a balcony railing, smacking the ground a few stories below. (And this is a tribute to a lot of things, like “Vertigo”, “King Kong”, the Bush economy, and Paris Hilton’s contribution to society.)
We end this brutality-fest with medical people and police types tromping around the house, attending to whatever might need attention. (Watch out for those marbles, people. Your career path can change just like that.) They wheel Golf out the door on a stretcher, a move he probably would have relished several scenes ago, but he has an odd look of longing on his face as they roll past Pink. (She’s clearly not good for him, so it was probably the Cabbage Patch sex that keeps him hanging on. Humping in front of dolls often makes you stay in relationships far longer than you should.)
As for Pink, the officials seem to be ignoring her as she lays there all splayed out in what can’t possibly be a comfortable position. Perhaps she’s passed on? Or maybe not, because she’s still singing, or at least has a very odd case of rigor mortis that is causing her to harmonize from beyond. Oh wait, now she’s sitting up and throwing the viewing audience a big kiss, meaning it was all in fun and she’s not really dead or advocating domestic violence. Hee hee, wasn’t that fun?
That’s nice. I’m glad that you’ll be around to put out another album or two. But would you mind having someone put those creepy dolls in lock-up? Those things just ain’t right…
Click here to watch this video on YouTube.
Originally published on 08/04/09, revised and updated with extra flair for this post.