We zoom in on a residential building, and we are treated to glimpses of several women in their apartments, each of them in various states of undress as well as emotion. (Most of these ladies don’t seem to be very happy, so there probably won’t be any spontaneous line-dancing in this video, much to my dismay.) The camera finally comes to rest on Leona, sprawled out on a hallway floor, wearing a really pretty dress. (Girl, you don’t do that in couture. Get your ass off the ground.)
But Leona’s stubborn, so she starts to sing and play with her hair instead of getting up. When she finally does, the wall color is different, so either somebody on the production staff messed up or she has special powers and can walk through walls without us noticing. Whatever the case, the new hue apparently arouses Leona to the point that she must press her body against the wall and let her eyes roll back in her head. Maybe it’s scratch-n-sniff paint, with pheromones?
While Leona works on her budding romance with the plaster, we cut to a messy woman on her unmade bed, looking at photos. She’s crying, and I think we’re supposed to take the photos as proof that her man is seeing somebody else. It’s not really clear, what with the camera jumping all over the place, and I’m distracted by the fact that her sheets are half off the mattress. (Perhaps her man is turning to other beds because they are more tidy?) But then the percussion kicks in on the song and I really don’t care about Sloppy-Bed Girl anymore, try as I might.
Leona’s back on the floor in that first hallway, so I guess things didn’t work out with her wall lover. (Probably because the wall doesn’t say much. There has to be good communication for a relationship to work.) Despite the trysting failure, Leona still feels pretty good about herself, based on the way she likes to look at and touch her body.
Then we’re in another apartment, with another sobbing woman sporting enough mascara to re-tar the roof of Buckingham Palace. A man comes in the door (hey wait, is that the guy in the Sloppy-Bed photos?), which prompts Mascara Gal to hop off the couch and throw some wadded-up panties at him that are (presumably) not hers. Apparently Mr. Spread-the-Love will not be crossing home plate tonight, at least not in this apartment.
We jump back to Leona, who is once again in that second hallway, where she had the ill-fated Sherwin-Williams encounter. It appears that she is wearing a new dress, so I’m not sure what that’s all about. (To be fair, she might have been sporting this second dress the first time she tripped the light fantastic down this hallway, but once she tried to breach the wall with her pelvis I sort of stopped paying attention to what she might be wearing.) Maybe she’s changing costumes with each little sobbing-woman sub-story? That would be a nice artistic and thematic touch, but something tells me the script probably didn’t get that deep.
Next we have a quick Brady-Bunch multi-shot, and we see a total of four different scenes where unhappy things seem to be taking place, so I guess Leona has at least two more costume changes as the stories unfold. (Note to self: Do not rent an apartment in this building. Everyone is very busy being dissatisfied, and life is too short to spend it in that kind of environment. Move to the country and grow your own food.)
Back to the Mattress Madame, who is now jumping on the bed and throwing the incriminating photos around the room. (Does she just have issues with things being orderly in her domicile? Why you gotta make all that mess?) And we check in with Panty-Throwing Patty, who is in the process of throwing her Cheating Man out of the apartment. (He stands outside the slammed door and looks confused. Dude, those weren’t her panties, so unless they are YOURS, you don’t live here anymore.)
We have more shots of Leona in the golden hallway. (She really likes to play with her thick and luxurious hair, have I mentioned that?) She’s back to rubbing up against the walls and all, and at one point I do believe she was humping a radiator. And she can’t seem to stand up on her own, leaning against things in a weakened and confused state like a band groupie the morning after or a Republican when confronted with actual facts.
Brief glimpse of a third woman, so we’re about to get her story, but first Leona, in a new outfit (think Barbarella) wanders into a bedroom. (It may or may not be her own, she apparently has an all-access pass to every room in the building.) She wanders up to the bed and flops on her back, and then sings a line while arching that back and shoving her breasts up to Jesus. The height she achieves is amazing. If we could all accomplish goals like that, we could probably end world hunger.
Okay, time for third girl’s story. The Jerk from the cheating photos and the hurled panties walks up to her door, she promptly opens it and they immediately begin sucking face. Then they jump on the bed and whoopee ensues. I guess they know each other. (And what is it with this guy, blithely going from one apartment to another and scoring? Do these people not talk to each other? This is why you need to get to know your neighbors, so you can make informed decisions when your horny bell rings.)
Next we have more shots of Leona roaming the halls. She’s not wearing a back brace, which kind of surprises me after the athletics of her previous scene. She’s got a new outfit, which means that we’re about to see the fourth girl. And it looks like somebody found her some coffee, because she’s not inappropriately touching the walls as much, although there’s a sparkle in her eye that says she might start touching again if the right paint color comes along.
Final girl is sitting on her bed, a status update that hints of an objectifying theme in this video, with almost all of the women on or near mattresses. She’s wearing pantyhose with giant white circles, waiting for the phone to ring and checking her watch. Honey, whoever you’re waiting for is not going to show up until you take those awful pantyhose off and burn them.
Quick shot of Girl #3 still flopping around with The Jerk, and hey, they’re right next door to Girl #4 (aka Bad-Pantyhose Girl). Does anybody in this building do anything other than have sex or wait for sex to happen? Is this a fraternity house in Alabama?
We roll into another montage of Leona, with her posing artfully and her hair blowing wildly, even though she’s inside a building and not near a window. (Maybe the air currents are being caused by all the random sex that’s unfolding everywhere?) Thankfully, Leona’s not using her breasts to recreate part of Mt. Rushmore in this scene, probably because her agent stepped in and explained that chiropractors can be very expensive in the long run.
Then the video gets really busy, as if we didn’t already have enough to process, what with the entire complex sleeping with one another. Pantyhose Girl tries to drown herself in the bathtub because her phone isn’t ringing, even though you would think she would make sure that phone had dial tone before she got all Sylvia Plath about the situation. Some guy that we don’t know (or at least I don’t) walks in on The Jerk and Girl #3 and a violent scuffle ensues, although I’m not sure why we need to get upset about the situation, since you apparently have to sign an open-relationship disclosure form when you move into this place.
And then we have girl number… hell, I don’t know the number, the one with the photo collage and the messy bed. She decides that it’s very critical that she burn said photos, while she’s still on the bed with them. She gets my vote in two categories: Most Psychologically Damaged, and Least Concerned about the Life Expectancy of Her Neighbors. Luckily, Miss Pyro’s antics manage to set off the sprinkler system in the building, a welcome distraction that these jacked-up folks really need.
And it works. Pyro Girl calms down a bit, rethinking her choices as both her mattress and her chances of avoiding a court appearance get a bit soggy. The unnecessary, testosterone-based smack-down in Girl #3’s apartment fizzles out. (When it starts to rain inside, you need to shift focus.) Most importantly, the activated sprinklers allow Leona to dance around in the streaming water, with twirling, singing and shimmying, her favorite things. There’s a quick shot of Leona’s feet sporting very high heels made out of golden chain-link fencing. (Somebody in the wardrobe department paid big bucks for those, so they had to have their own cameo.)
As we roll to the end of the video, we see that Pantyhose Girl’s beau does show, and it’s somebody we haven’t seen yet, so he’s most likely a nice guy innocently visiting a house of madness. And happily, since the fire sprinklers are still going, Pantyhose Girl doesn’t have to explain that she’s dripping wet because she just tried to kill herself over the fact that her date was ten minutes late. Then we get another side view of the building, with the lights being turned out in all the apartments. Fade to black.
I now fully understand why Leona keeps, keeps bleeding. She can’t get out of her sublet in this crappy apartment complex filled with delusional people who don’t take their prescribed medications with any regularity…
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Originally published on 08/14/09, revised and updated with extra flair for this post.